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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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So, I rush back, dodging tourists and their selfie sticks. I’m practically sprinting. I get there, and guess what? The barista is gone! Just my luck. I’m standing there, looking like a lost puppy, when the old dude from earlier walks in. He sees me and goes, “You again? You really need to keep that wallet close!” I laugh, and he helps me track it down.

Romania's Cometex invests 4 mln euro in retail park